Mood Trip

Wow! Things were going so well and, then, without warning... BOOM! I started spiraling, spiraling, spiraling...

It was scary! I mean, I was terrified! From the past, I could tell where I was headed. So, I decided to prevent the "worst case scenario."

I drove myself to the E.R. of O.M.C. (Order My Casket aka Ozarks Medical Center). I checked into the E.R. at approximately 2 a.m. There were about 6 others sitting in the waiting area, awaiting triage...

During this initial wait, I kept going outside to check on Houston... to comfort myself... self-talk... sometimes it can be invaluable.

I had already spoken with my sister... she assured me that we'd get Houston taken care of. That relieved my mind enough to show up at the E.R.

At around 4 a.m., I was taken into triage. Blood samples were taken, urine specimen, the regular routine...

Around 6:30 a.m., I asked where we stood. The nurse told me that I would be admitted; we simply needed a Doctor to sign off. "Whew!" I thought to myself. But, he said, the doctor's shift change would be at 7 a.m., so I would have to wait a little longer.

"No problem," I thought to myself. At 7:15 a.m., Dr. Rountree came in for her interview. Through responding to her questions, I broke down crying beyond being able to simply recover. About fifteen minutes later, she informed me that she'd pass the information to the Stress Unit... and I should be admitted shortly. She told me that Dr. Fontaine was not on; but, Dr. Akins was...

At 9 a.m., I went out to the desk and, upon seeing Dr. Rountree, I asked what the status was of my case... She then told me that the Stress Unit now wants me to see a social worker.

In a split second, my sadness... my depression... turned to rage. "I've been here for 7 hours," I yelled. "I'll just go to Phelps County Hospital!"

"Go ahead," Dr. Rountree replied. Then a nurse or some male screamed at me from my right side (I didn't note who he was)... "Go on!"

"Remove this from my wrist," I replied, indicating the band which had been placed on my arm upon checkin some 7 hours earlier.

Someone (again, I don't recall who) grabbed scissors and cut off the wristband. I then stormed out to my vehicle.

I called my sister to tell her what had happened... and, not knowing how I would get Houston taken care of if I should disappear so far away from anyone who could care for him... I decided to take him to Sue's to hook him up there. In fact, I had left his dish there earlier when I had attached him to the railing while Father and I prepared the poke... and the wheels on his trailer.

Then, on my way to Phelps County Regional Medical Center I went. On the drive to Rolla, I struggled as I resisted acting out on any suicidal thoughts which went through my mind. When driving on an overpass over a train which was moving below, the thought of pulling over and jumping in the midst of train cars popped into my mind. I fought the urge to turn around and perform that task! I was more scared than I had been in months!

I kept thinking of Houston... of how close I was to getting assistance for housing... of how much progress I had made regarding the TBI...

I kept telling myself that P.C.R.M.C. was going to be a better experience. I reminded myself of all the people whom I've spoken with who have had a bad experience with O.M.C. It would be soon... and I would have help, I kept thinking...

When I got to the E.R. at P.C.R.M.C., I saw a huge line. I couldn't control myself in the midst of all the crowd... I made my way up to the Stress Unit... I burst out at the first encounter with a voice!

A nurse there helped calm me down... he showed great disbelief when I told him my story of what had happened at O.M.C. "They let you leave??!" he exclaimed! Now, for the first time, I had not believed it either! I had not realized until this moment just how out-of-control I had been.

They rushed me into E.R. Collected blood... urine... the routine. They had informed me of the fact that their unit was full.

I was transported to St. Anthony's in St. Louis... (Hyland Behavioral Health Services).

Here it is, Wednesday, May 20. I was released yesterday... picked up my vehicle from P.C.R.M.C. last night... parked in Walmart in the evening... took my meds and slept like a baby.

This morning, I attended the 3-hour meeting at Ozark Action, Inc. Then I rushed over to the library to capture these memories before going on over to Alternative Opportunities where I need to talk to a counselor!

What would I do without these helpful organizations? I sure miss Houston. Adieu.